The Power of “No” & How To Get Comfortable Saying It

For some of us, saying the word "no" can feel empowering and second nature. For others, it can be an uncomfortable, guilty experience. Some environments teach us that “no” is impolite, or considered “unladylike.” Life in general teaches us that when we do what is expected, we benefit from positive reinforcement. Study hard to get an A. Work hard to get a bonus. For individuals with a desire to please, the demands of thriving personally, professionally, and socially can be immense. We take on the “I can do it all!” attitude, feeling more and more obligated to do things that we might not even want to do to keep feeling like a valued member of our community. Though the “I can do it all!” attitude may last a while, and we may even feel an energized high, like starting a new job, it slowly chips away at our energy and leaves us defeated and drained. Furthermore, it can negatively impact our health by cutting back on things like: sleep, exercise, nutritious eating, and that valuable and sacred “me time.”

Thus, enter our friend “No.” Rather than looking at the word negatively, let’s explore the benefits it provides:

What Saying NO Can Offer:

1. Saying “No” helps you set personal & professional boundaries

2. It builds self-esteem and confidence

3. It shows others you know what you want & that you will hold your ground

4. Saying no to one thing means saying yes to another

Now, one of the more challenging questions becomes: How can I get comfortable saying no and do it in a respectful, non-confrontational way? This, to me, is the question of the year. The decade. The century! Yes I know the benefits, how do I get myself to do it?

Finding Comfort Saying NO

1. Take Time Before Answering

   We often feel the need to give an answer right away. As most all places have wifi, the new norm is immediate responsiveness. But, unless it’s an urgent topic, you don’t need to answer someone right away. An old boss I had used to wait 24 hours before answering requests. He believed it gave him time to think, step away, and reduce the sense of urgency. You can take the time to ponder the pros and cons before committing.

2. Set Boundaries For Yourself & Accountability Plans

   We all wear many hats: worker, friend, parent, etc. These various roles can make it hard to define our boundaries. Here are some boundaries you can set:

   • Time boundaries: For example, not scheduling work calls after a certain time in the evening. ‘

   • Material boundaries: For example, no phones at the dinner table.

   • Physical boundaries: For example, I will be at the gym from 6-7am and therefore that time is blocked off.

   • Emotional boundaries: For example, knowing what you feel comfortable discussing and what topics are off the table.

   Once you have set the boundaries that work for you, decide what you need to hold you to them: a supportive partner, a slot in your calendar, an alarm on your phone… these are all examples to use.

3. Choose Comfortable Language

   How can you find a way to say no that is comfortable? There are different options:

   1. The “Direct No:” You just say it. No need to explain or apologize.

   2. The “Explaining No:” You give your “no” and the reason behind it.

      • For example: “I cannot attend because I have already committed to a dinner party.”

   3. The “Sandwich No:” Involves sandwiching your “no” between two positives. Tell someone something positive first, then express your “no,” and end with a supportive statement.

      • For example: “Thank you for asking me and that sounds so fun! I can’t tomorrow but would love to do something together soon.”

   4. The “No, But…:” involves trying to find an alternative.

      • "I’m slammed today, but maybe there’s someone else in our group that could help with it?"

4. Practice

   The more you practice the easier it will feel. The same way that you may rehearse a presentation, rehearse the action of declining.

At the end of the day learning to say no is like learning to drive. It’s a life skill that takes practice. Once you get comfortable, it becomes second nature. It’s important to keep in mind that out of all your daily responsibilities and priorities, you and your health come first.